Preliminary draft of SOTU leaked

From my FDL diary on 1/21/2011 America, as your President, I am here to tell you the state of our union is… Pathetic. You guys are a bunch of cry-babies. You’re so worried about having jobs, and being able to feed your kids or go to the doctor, you’ve lost sight of what’s really important: I’m talking of course, about supporting Wall Street. Wall Street is the economic furnace of America. It is the beating heart of our country’s vital money-spending spirit. That is why, as your elected leader, I’m advocating the dissolution of your last crutch. Each and every one of you needs to stand up on his/her own two feet and renounce your dependency on government, and it is for your own good that I’m going to take this last little protected horde, Social Security, and deliver it up to the people who know what to do with money. No more safety net for you losers, you’ll just have to scrub floors, wait on tables or do whatever it takes when you’re over 65 to pay your rent, eat, buy your meds, or obtain some other luxury you think you deserve. Ask not what your country can do for you, ask why you should need two cans of cat-food when one could surely last you the rest of the week. We need to dig deep here people. I told you change would not come quickly and there would be storms to weather. This is it. Now, those on the other side of the aisle have done nothing but obstruct the progress our majorities in both houses and the holding of this office have tried to accomplish, and that’s why I’m admonishing them with this tsk, tsk and finger wagging. But we need to embrace their obstruction for what it really is, good-faith, bipartisan gamesmanship. They are our brothers; they have stock in CIGNA too. They also want to make sure this country is safe, which is why I always defer to their militaristic ideology and share their disdain for the rule of law and due process. We will remain in Afghanistan, Iraq, and Pakistan and we will continue the increase of predator drone bombings. I think that’s really cool stuff, and if you don’t like it, well NSA knows where you live and we have contractors doing fly-overs here at home. Ha Ha. Now I just want to close with one more thing. The internet is a privilege. If you can’t pay for it, you shouldn’t have access to it. And it shouldn’t be cheap because everybody knows if something is given to you, you don’t appreciate it. Too much dangerous activity is happening out there and we need to give the providers the ability to tell us whatever we want to know about their customers at all times. The lives of our service men and women are at stake, and we need to be able to lie to whomever we like, in your name, to keep up our sterling reputation in the global community. Therefore net neuter-ality is on the agenda in the near future, and nailing Julian Assange is my Justice Department’s priority number one. So if you find your connections a little slow, just remember it’s for your own good, and don’t think you can get away with trying to contribute to Wikileaks. Now get back to work, try to get over your retardedness, quit complaining, and let’s all give a great round of applause to my good friend and mentor who will be leaving the Senate for a probably really good reason, but I’m not saying yet. God bless America.